Am I Being Gaslit?
Takeaway: Sometimes, it can be difficult to know when we are being manipulated in our relationships. While situations can vary and you ultimately know the relationship best, this “am I being gaslit?” checklist can offer perspective to help you evaluate what dynamics are occurring in this relationship.
As the term “gaslighting” continues to become more prevalent, the meaning behind the word is frequently misunderstood. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation with the intention of causing an individual to doubt the validity of their own thoughts, feelings, or perception of reality. It can be incredibly disorienting leading the individual to question their own mental or emotional stability. Gaslighting can be used to control an individual, manipulating situations to make them feel they caused the abuse. This leads them to believe the blame lies with them.
The term “gaslighting” is inspired by the movie Gaslight with Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. This 1944 movie is an excellent depiction of a person who is independent but vulnerable and is preyed upon by her new lover turned husband for his own gain.
Bergman’s character, much like a frog in a cool pot of water that slowly comes to a boil, does not realize that her husband is deceptively limiting her ability to leave the house, engage in activities she previously enjoyed and think independently. In addition, he continuously plants seeds of doubt which results in her questioning what she knows about herself and the outside world.
A more contemporary movie, with a lighter tone that also does an excellent job of depicting a character that is a gaslighter, is Mother Gothel in the animated movie, Tangled. Mother Gothel creates a closed system in which Rapunzel must live her life within very narrow parameters. She manufactures Rapunzel’s limited reality to feed her own selfish desires, much like the movie Gaslight.
Gaslighting is not exclusive to romantic relationships. It can occur in any relationship, in any setting, including friendships, colleagues, and family members. While the term has become more frequently used, it can be difficult to identify when it’s happening to you or someone you care about. You can utilize this list below to help identify some of the more subtle phrases that can be used to identify gaslighting.
Who is this “am I being gaslit?” checklist for?
This checklist is for individuals who feel confused in their relationship with a significant other, friend, coworker, or family member. While we do not have control over how others treat us, it is important to identify when you are being mistreated. This awareness allows us insight on their behavior and assesses whether it may be time to end the relationship or set boundaries. You may be feeling conflicted on whether or not you're supposed to empathize with this person or if they are taking advantage of your kindness. This checklist highlights common phrases used by people who gaslight and explains the typical intent gaslighters have behind the statements. If you find these statements familiar, it's essential to take a step back from this relationship and re-evaluate.
How accurate is this checklist?
This checklist is intended to be used as a point of reference to make you aware of what gaslighting can look like. Keep in mind that situations can vary and these statements don’t necessarily indicate an absolute case of gaslighting. It's important to consider how often these statements are used and in what context - be mindful of this as you answer. Additionally, the results of the checklist are not intended to give you a definitive answer on what to do in this relationship. A professional therapist can be a helpful resource to explore the questions you may still have and can assist you in implementing effective communication and boundaries with this person.
Am I Being Gaslit? Checklist
The following are statements gaslighters commonly use. Check off how many of these statements are said and read more below about what these statements can signify.
“Nobody else feels that way.”
“Everyone agrees with me.”
“It was just a joke!”
“Don’t take it so personally.”
“You’re too emotional.”,
“You’re being dramatic.”
“That’s not what happened.”
“You never told me that.”
“It’s not that big of a deal.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You’re overthinking it.”
“Let’s start with a clean slate.”
“It’s water under the bridge.”
“Let’s forgive and forget.”
Interpreting the statements
“That’s not what happened.”, “You never told me that.”
The above phrases highlight the perpetrators need for control. The gaslighter is attempting to control the narrative while denying any version of events other than their own. These phrases attempt to convince the individual that either they’re wrong or they’re remembering things incorrectly.
“Let’s start with a clean slate.”, “It’s water under the bridge.”, “Let’s forgive and forget.”
These phrases can be a highly effective way of pretending past events never happened. It allows the perpetrator to come off as kind hearted. It is as if they are willing to forget any mistakes that they believe the victim might have made in the past as a way of deflecting from their own actions. It diminishes the individual’s experience as insignificant enough to simply forget while absolving themselves of any wrongdoing.
“It’s not that big of a deal.”, “You’re too sensitive.”, “You’re overthinking it.”
These statements immediately trivialize and invalidate the individual’s feelings. It clearly communicates that their experience is not important which can cause them to doubt the validity of their emotional response.
“Don’t take it so personally.”, “You’re too emotional.”, “You’re being dramatic.”
These statements take the responsibility off the perpetrator and instead puts it on the individual for how they’re responding. They can cause the individual to second guess themself and their reaction which can lead to a lack of trust in their perception of events. In this phrase the gaslighter immediately invalidates the victim’s experience.
“It was just a joke!”
Calling something a joke can be used to place blame on the individual for their response instead of the perpetrator taking blame for their actions. With gaslighting, hiding behind humor can happen to dismiss offensive comments about appearance, personality, or behavior. It can be a way to passively put the person down while calling into question their ability to differentiate between what’s true and what’s false.
“Nobody else feels that way.”, “Everyone agrees with me.”
Whether true or not, gaslighters typically reference other people’s perspectives to, yet again, invalidate the feelings of the individual. By saying other people feel differently than they do, it reinforces the cycle of the individual second-guessing their own experiences. This mind game is very effective and potentially dangerous.
The first step to removing oneself from an unhealthy dynamic is identifying what is truly happening within our relationships. The consistent manipulation can cause individuals to doubt their own experiences and perceptions of reality. If any of the above phrases or experiences resonate with you, a therapist can be a great resource to provide unbiased insight and support around a difficult situation.
Interpreting your results
If you checked off less than 3 statements
There is not a high degree of gaslighting happening in this relationship. These phrases, especially when used sparingly, do not necessarily indicate manipulation. It could be that this person doesn’t realize that these statements are hurtful or there is no malicious intent behind them. However, if the person is unaware of their poor communication and you are in a relationship with them, it might be helpful to address this behavior. Keep in mind that gaslighting and manipulation can be very difficult to detect, so if you are still unsure, it is best to explore your observations with an unbiased person. Book a consultation with us to find out more or inquire about couples therapy.
If you checked off more than 4 statements
There is a very high likelihood that this person is gaslighting you if you checked off more than 4 phrases. I first want to acknowledge the potential shock you might feel if this information feels new to you. Depending on the level of closeness you have with this person, it might be beneficial to re-evaluate this person’s role in your life. Establishing boundaries are essential to a healthy relationship; without them, we are unable to express our needs and therefore results in an unhealthy dynamic. Repeated use of these phrases can lead to poor self-worth and deteriorate other important relationships. Reach out to us at SG Therapy Group if you’d like to unpack your feelings about this relationship and gain clarity on next steps.
A therapist’s perspective on when you are being gaslit in a relationship
It is an enlightening moment for my clients when they realize that gaslighting is/was occurring in a past or present relationship. It can be scary to face the truth of your relationship with this person, but it ultimately serves you to establish boundaries or end the relationship.
Any client of mine who has experienced manipulation and gaslighting in their personal lives has come out of the situation wiser and more confident. I believe this happens because they learn to develop a healthier relationship with themselves - one that is based on respect and trust. Even if you don’t directly experience gaslighting or manipulation, learning how to set boundaries with others is a very valuable life-long skill!
If you are in an unhealthy relationship and want to work toward eliminating manipulative tendencies, couples therapy is a great option to have a third party help you navigate your struggles. A couples therapist will be able to call out the behavior and challenge partners to increase empathy and understanding. Check out SG Therapy Group’s top rated couples therapists or read more about couples therapy in Chicago.